Today, we will look at sex as one of the real issues in marriage relationships.
It is not uncommon to see that some people are not open to discussions about sex; especially married couples who you would have expected to be transparent about it. Amazingly, not discussing about sex with your partner is one of the greatest mistakes you can make in your union.
The root of conflicts in some marriages have been traced to sex, however during conflict resolution, hardly would you see couples open up to the real issue (sex). Other matters ranging from money, lack of love, lack of respect etc., would be mentioned while the underlying issue (sex) is avoided. The reason is obvious; some individuals have been made to believe that sex is dirty. Some see it as a ‘no-go area’ for discussion, yet these people are ‘burning’ inwardly.
“There is a wide gap between being in marriage and being in a blissful marriage”. A lot of people are in marriage but not happy in marriage. A couple with unresolved issues such as sex are in marriage but may not be contented in the marriage.
Foremost, you must know that sex is created by God, and by God’s design, it should be enjoyed maximally within the context of marriage. You cannot leave God out of sex. Hence, the focus today is ‘Sex in Marriage Relationships.
Someone may ask this question “Does sex make a great or happy marriage?”
Sex may not be the only ‘key’ to a great marriage and surely, it takes more than one thing to have a great marriage. But whatever makes a relationship great requires commitment and consistency. The fascinating thing is that most couples with great marriages have great sex.
There is a ‘price tag’ to being happily married; just as there is a cost for a ‘forever happy married life’. Therefore, a great marriage is not a mere wish. Remember, if wishes were horses, beggars would ride. Sex and intimacy are awesome and could be a key to unlocking great things in a marriage. To unlock these splendid things, here are the price tags:
- Your mindset affects how well you will relish sex. Hence, you must have a right mindset about For instance, do you see sex as a chore you can’t wait to get over with? If you see sex as an act alone, then sex will be a huge issue in marriage. Sex is an act, no doubt about it, however, there is more to sex than the act itself. Sex should not be thought to be limited to how the man feels when he thrusts in and out of a woman and how a woman feels when a man moves in and out of her. Beyond all these, sex should not begin at this point. Husbands, especially, should know or be reminded that if you have not been displaying the act of love hours before the ‘show’, you may be disappointed or disappointing your partner in a way. If your sex life is becoming boring, try being tender to your partner, show kindness, help your spouse to be relieved of stress etc. Connect with yourself and get rid of myths about sex that may hinder you or your partner from deriving the best from your sexual intimacy. Have the mindset that sex is to be enjoyed by you and your partner as one of the finest gift in marriage.
- COMMUNICATION: This is the integral thread that ties sex to a great marriage. Show me a couple who has issues with communication and I will show you a couple with a very boring or unexciting sex life. Communication is the magic key to a more gratifying and intriguing sex life. Your partner cannot guess your wish or fantasy about sex. Great sex in marriage is about emotional connection, not just about its technicality. Sex is beyond the tightness of a woman’s vagina, knowledge of sex styles or positioning while having sex. It is also beyond the experience of the man before marriage, of how he sowed his wild oats, engages in foreplay or the dimension of his penis. While all these might count, you must know that as individuals our needs What person A feels is great may not necessarily be the definition of great to person B. Communication is the key. Ask your partner what their preferences are in intercourse. It takes communication to discover each other’s needs. Couples should be free to discuss the part of their bodies that ‘turns’ them on; and this varies and depends on individuals. Don’t be shy about getting your erotic needs met, tell your partner you want a rub down. When a couple have intimacy in their communications, sexual intimacy will not be an issue. Remember, there is a connection between communication and great sex. You should talk when the sex is great and continue talking until you experience the beauty embedded in sex.
- AGREEMENT: A couple must have mutual understanding in marriage especially in the aspect of love making. Again, how can you have mutual agreement without first communicating? In marriage, the couple is made up of two individuals that became one. Part of the things that make them one is in the area of ‘mutual agreement’. For example, some individuals prefer to be caressed on some part of their body while some cannot tolerate it. Some would love to have sex everyday (twice or more times in a day) while some persons would want it at one or two days interval. Permit me to say that having sex thrice a day with your spouse may not necessarily mean that you are having great or exciting sex while having it once a day or in two days does not mean you are not having great sex. In essence, frequency is not a measurement for awesome intercourse. In a situation where you desire oral sex, for example, but it doesn’t go well with the other, there must be mutual understanding. The most important thing is that you communicate and study to understand your partner, get to know what he/she loves, how he/she wants it and the frequency. No couple can enjoy or explore sexual ecstasy without mutual consent and communication.
- MAKE YOUR PARTNER’S SATISFACTION YOUR PRIORITY: This is where some people miss it in sexual intimacy. They are often concerned about their satisfaction alone without taking much thought of their Sex is most thrilling, exciting and fun when your focus is not only on yourself, but also in giving satisfaction and fulfilment to your partner. No doubt, sex has been subjected to pervasions and you hear things like ‘focus on your satisfaction alone, engage in masturbation, etc.’ The creator of sex didn’t intend it to be so. Here is the truth of sexual gratification in marriage concept. Love making is a two-way affair. Your true satisfaction is in giving your partner satisfaction. If you both set out to satisfy each other, you will end up getting gratified. It is really, amazing how this works. Be adventurous in discovering the parts that your partner loves to be touched and find excitement in his/her joy, then your fulfilment will be derived in the process. You do not need to try different men or women to get sexually satisfied or excited. Your spouse is all you need and you can enjoy the fullness even with that one person.
- YOU MUST BE HEALTHY: To enjoy awesome sex, you must be healthy. A lot of health issues arise around eating habits. Eat food that will add value to your body/ boost your sexual system, and not the ones that will erode your vitality. There are some foods that can stimulate sexual desires, less carbohydrate and avoidance of sweet drinks are advised. Couples, please make it each other’s responsibility to ensure that your family eats and keeps a healthy habit. Alcohol is not the only thing that can make a man ‘high’, have strong erection or do many rounds, there are some fruits that can do better magic without any repercussion on your health. It is a healthy person that can have a thrilling sex life.
- YOU MUST BE CLEAN: Hygiene is an essential factor in having a great sex that will eventually help in nurturing a great marriage. Take your bath regularly; do not subject your partner to a horrid smell due to accumulated sweat. It is refreshing if you can take a shower after a day’s work, though I understand that it could be a task for some people. There is nothing as inviting as a great smell while a bad odour could turn almost anyone away or put them off (Though, surprisingly some people don’t mind, they are just after the thing or few tend to enjoy sex either ways). Being hygienic and keeping a clean environment is great for sex. There are other body fragrances that you can use, where this does not suit you, ensure you keep your body clean! Get fresh bed sheets, keep the room free of clutters, get the right size of bed and let the room be well ventilated to make you and your partner comfortable. Great sex is also about creating good ambience for it.
- SEX BEGINS FROM THE KITCHEN: This is It means that there are some things that you can do before the real action. You must keep the attraction alive and bubbly. For a woman, be inviting, change your lingerie frequently. Don’t just stick to the night wears you bought for your wedding years ago. Blow his imaginations, be naked sometimes and at other times just cover the sexiest part flimsily. That way, you arouse his inquisitiveness. Be dynamic, adventurous and do things that will make your spouse want you and feel wanted. Let him know he is indeed your prince charming. For the men, while your children are still young and demanding, you have to provide assistance for your wife. You may hire domestic staff to help her with some daily chores, otherwise the house chores and care of your children would drain her, especially if she is a working woman and she gets overwhelmed by her job as well. I doubt if sex would be of interest to her and not just another task considering the load of work to be attended to. Extending a helping hand with house chores is an act of thoughtfulness that could be easily reciprocated.
- CREATE TIME FOR ‘YOU ALONE’: The Nigerian situation can induce stress on any individual. You must find time to be away from your family, the children inclusive. In the time of being alone, having no fear of children interrupting, less or no task to be attended to, you may find the perfect atmosphere to rekindle your sexual intimacy and explore.
- EVALUATE YOUR SEXUAL INTIMACY: Sex is one of the things that you will do over and over in marriage and you don’t want it to become a task or become boring. Hence, the need to constantly evaluate your sex life. You don’t have to wait till things go wrong with your sex life. You should ask each other how you are faring. Some people don’t think they should ‘talk’ when making love, but you should. You can ask your partner in the act if you are doing well or great. You can ask if the sex is good, great or exciting with the assurance that sex can get better. For your sex life to grow and be renewed, you need to evaluate how you are, how you can improve or spice up your sexual intimacy to avoid doing the same thing year in and out.
- BE ENTHUSIASTIC: Make your partner feel desirable, try something new. Learn new ways to arouse your partner, try different sex positions. People change over time, if you must keep having great sex in marriage, you have to keep at it. You may like to re-decorate your room, change your bedsheets, change the place you make love (not only on the bed or bedroom), and stay longer in arousing your partner before thrusting in. Be the one to initiate sex if you are the passive or shy type in initiating sex. Make use of lubricants such as gel to ease dryness and aid orgasm. Read, discuss with professionals if or when you have issues and never keep sexual problems from your partner, be open with each other and most importantly, involve God in your sex life like any other aspect of your life. When the sex is great, thank Him for it, commit your sexual need, fantasies etc. to God, you can rest assured that you are on the path to having a sustainable sexual ecstasy in your marriage.
Great sex is not automatic. It doesn’t just happen, you must work at it to make it happen.